Bro-nesting

My friend Jay passed away four years ago this week and his birthday is right around the corner. Lately I’ve found myself thinking about some of the quieter times we spent together. Music brought me to this place after hearing a song that was a fixture in our nightly playlist* in college. I decided to write about that experience because I miss my friend and men don’t talk about their bromances enough. Allow me to demonstrate how it’s done fellas.

Jay and I decided to join forces and become roommates after wreaking havoc together throughout our freshman year. In full disclosure, concentrating our super powers seemed like a bad idea at the time. Naturally that only made it more appealing to us. We decided to share a dorm room and later a house and we even lived in the same apartment building before we both got married. (one month apart from each other) Page and Plant, Jordan and Pippen, Gin and Tonic: you can’t stop greatness when two kindred spirits find each other. We shopped for our dorm room like a couple moving-in together. When I reflect on it now, our domesticity was sweet and endearing. I didn’t realize it at the time but we were bro-nesting. Ultimately that real estate decision would lead to us being kicked-out of campus housing, however that’s a yarn for another time.
A feeling of chaos washes over me when I think about the time Jay and I spent in college together. Everything comes at you fast when you’re young and we lived hard. But at night when we both crashed things slowed down. Bunking together gave Jay and I a chance to genuinely get to know each other. We were both insomniacs, which certainly helped. Our nightly routine usually involved bullshitting while listening to the same six CDs* or WFAN 660 AM until we fell asleep. Most days we poured all of our energy into trying to out-crazy the day before. Those hours at night when we talked were a rare and calm respite from the chaos. It was the closest thing to a routine either of us stuck to at the time.

Jay had a very unique personality. Most people who came in contact with him would first meet an intelligent, arrogant and sarcastic person without a filter. He was always “on” and he used his wit as a shield to keep people from getting close to him. He loved making people laugh, often at the expense of someone in the crowd, and he could cut a person to shreds. No one was immune, however Jay respected the people who would laugh at themselves. If you endured his verbal hazing then you earned his respect and friendship. He let friends in but never showed even a hint of vulnerability under any circumstance. He was different at night when we sat up talking. It was the only time he let his guard down. That’s when we learned about each other’s hopes, fears and insecurities. Jay was afraid of success despite being capable of doing anything he wanted. He never wanted to admit he cared or that something could be important. He didn’t want to risk the vulnerability of someone knowing that he had a heart. Despite being fiercely competitive he was a perennial underdog who loathed the idea of being thought of as a winner. In retrospect I realize now that every time he got close to the brass ring he would pull his hand away at the last possible second. Good enough to win but not wanting to be accused of trying. He wrestled with his heart at night and I listened. We listened to each other and those conversations continued for many years after we shared a room.

I knew Jay’s fears and he knew mine. Having friends who know you inside and out is a special gift. Friends who have seen you at your best, at your worst, and accept you as that person. I’m not spiritual and I don’t know what to expect after we die. Lately I’ve found myself wondering if Jay is out there somewhere in the universe and if so is he checking in on me? I really hope so because I could use him more than ever right now. Men don’t talk about their friendships with other men in terms of love. Well, I loved that fat bastard. He was my heterosexual life partner and I miss the fuck out of him. I never told him how much I appreciated his friendship and loyalty when he was alive. If I did, I didn’t say it enough. I hope he still has my back wherever he may be now.

“Lay down my dear brother, lay down and take your rest,
Won’t you lay your head upon your savior’s chest,
I love you all, but Jesus loves you the best
And we bid you goodnight, goodnight, goodnight”
– The Grateful Dead

* the six CDs in constant rotation while we slept:
– Jar of Flies – Alice in Chains
– Rift – Phish
– Essential Paul Simon – Paul Simon (duh)
– So Far – Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
– MTV Unplugged – Nirvana
– Aoxomoxoa – Grateful Dead

#Pals