Totally Not That Guy
Despite my outwardly jovial disposition, I’ve spent most of life hating myself. Confident and devilishly handsome on the outside. My own worst critic on the inside. Hours of therapy and reflection have helped me figure out how I became that person. What I can’t understand is why I was so hard on myself for so long? Mistakes were made, but overall I’ve always considered myself a pretty solid dude. So, why all the self-hate? I still haven’t found an answer but I did find something even better: regeneration.
In human biology our cells regenerate constantly throughout our lifetime. Live, die, repeat. Regeneration means I’m physically not the same person I was when I made some of the mistakes that still haunt me. Wrapping my head around this idea led to a major break-through in understanding my mental health. The science of regeneration was objective enough for me to consider that I might not be the same person I was when I said that bukakke thing at Randy’s Wooster Street Pizza. (sorry again Randy) The past is gone. That person doesn’t exist anymore and there’s no guarantee of a future-me.
The combination of these concepts made it possible for me to forgive myself and let go of some of the baggage I’ve been carrying for so many years. (forgive; forgetting is not realistic) The resulting impact has been nothing short of transformative. When I don’t hate myself for years of my bullshit (perceived or otherwise), then it turns out I really like who I’ve become. Learning to like, and maybe even love myself, has given me hope in a time when hope has been in short supply. The experience is exciting, terrifying and disorienting all at the same time. It’s akin to waking up from a nightmare and realizing you’re not the villain.
Accepting myself for who I am means I’m not who I was and I’ll never realize the future I envisioned. This comes with a bit of sadness from letting-go and fear of the unknown. It’s a small price to pay for the chance to love the guy I see looking back at me in the mirror.